Tantrums

Sudden episodes of intense emotional dysregulation in which a child loses behavioural control, typically involving crying, screaming, kicking, or throwing themselves on the floor.

What Happens

A tantrum occurs when a child cannot manage the emotional demands of a situation—the feeling, urge, or sensation overwhelms their capacity to regulate. This is a biological state of dysregulation, not willful disobedience.

Common triggers:

• Thwarted desires (wanting something denied)
• Communication frustration (lacking words to express needs)
• Developmental limitations (cannot complete desired task)
• overstimulation or fatigue

The child is not enjoying the tantrum or choosing it deliberately—they are "being their feelings" rather than expressing them strategically.

Developmental Context

toddlers encounter frequent frustration:

• Limited vocabulary prevents articulating needs
• Physical skills lag behind intentions
• Understanding of social rules still forming
• Assumption that their will should reign supreme

Tantrums represent both inner collapse and protest at discovering their will does not control outcomes.

Response Approach

During tantrum:

1. Ensure safety — Prevent self-injury; move objects if needed
2. Stay present — Remain nearby without abandoning child
3. Minimal talking — Avoid questions or lectures (sensory overload)
4. Acknowledge feeling — Brief validation: "You're very angry I said no"

Avoid:

• Complete ignoring (leaves child alone with overwhelming emotion)
• Over-explaining or teaching mid-tantrum
• Giving in to demand (reinforces tantrum as strategy)

After calm restored:

• Help child identify feeling: "You felt frustrated when..."
• Suggest alternative expression: "You can tell me you're angry"

Developmental Value

Managed tantrums teach:

• Frustration and disappointment are tolerable
• Anger is not dangerous
• Parents remain available during distress
• Recovery is possible

Children who experience supportive responses during tantrums develop better emotional regulation over time. Tantrums typically decrease as language skills improve and children gain self-control.

Warning Signs

Consult professional if:

• Tantrums increase in frequency after age 4
• Child injures self or others regularly
• Tantrums last consistently over 15 minutes
• Child cannot recover and return to normal state
• Parent feels unable to cope safely

See also: Emotional Regulation, [[Toddler Development]], [[Communication Development]], [[Parental Attunement]], [[Self-Soothing]]